My life is moving forward. Each passing minute creates more distance between what happened to my life and what my life is becoming. In order to move forward, I've pieced together where I cam from. It's "pc" to say that I didn't deserve what happened to me and that I had no way of knowing about all the affairs and all the lies and all the sneaking. But fact of the matter is, I had a part in this. I know in my mind what the signs were and I chose to look beyond and let me be led by fear rather than having courage and taking control. I came from a life that spun out of control partly because I allowed fear to take over and ignored what was happening; the signs were all pointing to what I eventually could not deny, but that didn't fit in well with my idea of the life I thought I deserved so I ignored it. Ignorance truly is bliss.
But, that's not who I am. I know how to face my problems, I know how to solve my problems, and I know how to roll with what life throws my way. My problem has always been my preconceived notions of what I want. It's not my expectations that are the problem but the fact that I impose those expectations on any mold, any mold whatsoever, so that it works for me and I don't have to "deal" with the continued search for what makes me happy. This type of behavior is what got me into trouble in my marriage. I insist on forcing square pegs into round holes just to prove that I can "make it happen", to prove to myself that who I fell in love with, was not the wrong person.
Naturally, I am ever vigilant that this behavior doesn't bite me again. And so... I'm working on that. I take moments to reflect.....is this person really a round peg or am I forcing it again? It's a difficult question for me to answer because, as often happens with all of us, our emotions can run away with us and convince us of almost anything. For me, I feel like I'm much wiser and way more mature. Hopefully, as I am more cognisant of this fact, I will be more rational than emotional when making those decisions.
I am going into my relationships with no expectations. No demands. No visions. It is what it is and I'm going to enjoy it until it becomes more. And even as I feel it becoming more, I vow to keep things in perspective: I have two daughters, and we are all in this together so my decisions are being made for all three of us. I may have been separated since November, but it's been seven years of living a lie and I'm still sorting some parts of me out.
The key for me is to not force things. If it is right, then I will know it. And if it is wrong I will know it. Lieing to myself about it either way does me no favors. It's better to acknowledge the truth and make decisions based on the truth rather than on my expectations. Such a strange concept. Doesn't even make SENSE to have made decisions based on expectations... but that's what I was doing.
I EXPECT to be married forever, therefore, come hell or high water, I will be. I EXPECT to not be cheated on, therefore I believe every unbelievable lie you're telling. I EXPECT to have a relatively drama free life, therefore I will submit to all of your demands just for the sake of avoiding drama. Everything was so bad I figured it would only be made worse if I acknowledge it was bad. Again, Richard played a huge part in this. He told me some beautiful lies; he fed my rationale... he fed the lie. But I ate it up :(
That's not working and it's going to change. And hopefully the rest will fall into place on their own.
I promise myself to stop forcing square pegs into round holes.
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