holy hell...

Such a contridiction in terms, it seems fitting to describe my feelings right now! Relationships are hard. All types of relationships are hard. Parent and child, both as a child and as a parent. Sibling relationships, romantic relationships, friendships, work relationships, among many, many others, take work.

Some days, I find myself wondering if I even want to put the work in. Other days, I feel like I'm backsliding and have no choice but to put the work in. And still other days, I feel like it's someone elses responsbility to the put the work in, not mine!

For me, the biggest challenge right now is that I feel like I can't be myself. Because I still drink the koolaid some days, I can't help but feel like "myself" is too much... too much conviction, too many opinions, too much to live up to. On days, like today, when I am not drinking the koolaid, I am pretty convinced that it is not ME who is too much; I am living like an adult and I don't care who is put off by it. I own my home, my car and a few IRA's... I'm going to school and have two children who are the center of my life. I don't have time for games, and if that's "too much" for someone, then that someone is playing the games I have no interest in playing!

More and more, I am beginning to recognize that it is my relationship with myself that counts above all others.  Over the last few weeks I've started asking myself why I drink the koolaid? Why am I okay being a doormat? Why do I make people a priority when, to them, I feel as though I am only an option? Why do I require so much attention from other folks, to make myself feel more secure in a romantic relationship?  

Whether I realize it or not, sometimes I allow myself to be a doormat. I've identified ways in which I do this and I'm sure this will be a process of evolution and self discovery, but I'm off to a great start. I also have identified that I tie my happiness to my romantic relationships. That's not healthy. That's not a good example for my girls. I think that's also infatuation.

Although all of these realizations are dawning on me, I don't want these self-empowering moments to lead to jaded and insensitive positions on relationships. I don't want to be a person who is so jaded and indifferent to those around me that I can take or leave other human beings. There must be, and I'm sure there is, a healthy balance between being true to myself and my own feelings of loving others, and not allowing myself to be a doormat to others!

I know I'll figure it out.

In the meantime, I see more and more of the benefit of these last five solitary months. So much alone time has forced me into the deep dark dank of night where the hard questions are asked and hopefully answered. I'm re-establishing my own parameters and redeveloping my senses.

This is good for me. I'm grateful for this opportunity.

"Happiness has its own way, of taking its sweet time" -Gary Allen