Still dealing...

Life get's better every day. Then it gets bad again. Truly, one step forward and two giant steps back. Until I then realize how much my life has changed and how happy I could be, if I could just let it happen.

Some things I've learned about myself over the last several months:

1)   I've got kind of a shitty attitude. I always perceived myself as a happy person and so this particular realization is more profound to me than others.

2)   My shitty attitude makes my life more difficult.

3)   It is my difficult life that makes me basically unhappy.

4)   It is my shitty attitude that makes me unhappy.

I don't want it to be this way....so I'm going to work hard at it every day.  

Am I Poisoning my Own Well?

I don't know why I do things that I do. But the things that I do are ruining the good things in my life. I am trying to drop the baggage. I am trying to drop the anger. I am changing my behavior. Every day, I have to make decisions about how I'm going to behave and sometimes I don't make the right decision.

Those bad decisions are seriously causing  havoc in my life.

I am trying so hard.

WTF

So you would think that seven months of time removed from the date of the implosion of my life would be enough to erase all the crap that came before... the seven years of garbage.

Turns out...

Not the case.

In keeping with the new theme of my life, "There Are No Coincidences".....

About two months ago my mom told me, squarely, you will drive everyone away with your attitude. And it looks like that's actually correct.

I'm mad at myself. And for the first time in my life I can identify that: I.AM.Angry.

I didn't "let it go". I burried it. And here it is again.

I stopped hitting the self destruct button back in January. But now, I'm imploding from the inside...

and I just really don't want to talk about it....

Something I really valued is now good and it's my fault.

It is what it is.

That's basically all I can say about it.

I have to accept it.

And acceptance is a real bitch.

Happy :)

Yep. I feel it. Genuinely and asolutely.

I didn't realize how unhappy I had been until I started feeling so happy, again!

2010 may have been the best year of my life :)

I am not broken down.

This always happens to me.

Everyone talks about the benefit of open communication. If it's bothering you, talk about it. Lay it out there. So that's what I do, and instead we end up talking about what an asshole I am. How does this happen?

But I've never been told I'm broken down. I've never been told that I live in a fucked up world.

After living with the ass face and being told horrible things about myself while we were fighting, only to have them recanted after the fight was over, to have it realized at the end that he actually DID feel that way about me (the way he said he felt when we were fighting... nothings good enough for me, I am too difficult, I am mean... yadda yadda yadda).... well can y ou appreciate how I'm not sure if these things were said out of anger or if they were actually how he feels???

This always happens to me. I'm not broken down.

holy hell...

Such a contridiction in terms, it seems fitting to describe my feelings right now! Relationships are hard. All types of relationships are hard. Parent and child, both as a child and as a parent. Sibling relationships, romantic relationships, friendships, work relationships, among many, many others, take work.

Some days, I find myself wondering if I even want to put the work in. Other days, I feel like I'm backsliding and have no choice but to put the work in. And still other days, I feel like it's someone elses responsbility to the put the work in, not mine!

For me, the biggest challenge right now is that I feel like I can't be myself. Because I still drink the koolaid some days, I can't help but feel like "myself" is too much... too much conviction, too many opinions, too much to live up to. On days, like today, when I am not drinking the koolaid, I am pretty convinced that it is not ME who is too much; I am living like an adult and I don't care who is put off by it. I own my home, my car and a few IRA's... I'm going to school and have two children who are the center of my life. I don't have time for games, and if that's "too much" for someone, then that someone is playing the games I have no interest in playing!

More and more, I am beginning to recognize that it is my relationship with myself that counts above all others.  Over the last few weeks I've started asking myself why I drink the koolaid? Why am I okay being a doormat? Why do I make people a priority when, to them, I feel as though I am only an option? Why do I require so much attention from other folks, to make myself feel more secure in a romantic relationship?  

Whether I realize it or not, sometimes I allow myself to be a doormat. I've identified ways in which I do this and I'm sure this will be a process of evolution and self discovery, but I'm off to a great start. I also have identified that I tie my happiness to my romantic relationships. That's not healthy. That's not a good example for my girls. I think that's also infatuation.

Although all of these realizations are dawning on me, I don't want these self-empowering moments to lead to jaded and insensitive positions on relationships. I don't want to be a person who is so jaded and indifferent to those around me that I can take or leave other human beings. There must be, and I'm sure there is, a healthy balance between being true to myself and my own feelings of loving others, and not allowing myself to be a doormat to others!

I know I'll figure it out.

In the meantime, I see more and more of the benefit of these last five solitary months. So much alone time has forced me into the deep dark dank of night where the hard questions are asked and hopefully answered. I'm re-establishing my own parameters and redeveloping my senses.

This is good for me. I'm grateful for this opportunity.

"Happiness has its own way, of taking its sweet time" -Gary Allen

Square pegs don't fit in round holes

My life is moving forward. Each passing minute creates more distance between what happened to my life and what my life is becoming. In order to move forward, I've pieced together where I cam from. It's "pc" to say that I didn't deserve what happened to me and that I had no way of knowing about all the affairs and all the lies and all the sneaking. But fact of the matter is, I had a part in this. I know in my mind what the signs were and I chose to look beyond and let me be led by fear rather than having courage and taking control. I came from a life that spun out of control partly because I allowed fear to take over and ignored what was happening; the signs were all pointing to what I eventually could not deny, but that didn't fit in well with my idea of the life I thought I deserved so I ignored it. Ignorance truly is bliss.

But, that's not who I am. I know how to face my problems, I know how to solve my problems, and I know how to roll with what life throws my way. My problem has always been my preconceived notions of what I want. It's not my expectations that are the problem but the fact that I impose those expectations on any mold, any mold whatsoever, so that it works for me and I don't have to "deal" with the continued search for what makes me happy. This type of behavior is what got me into trouble in my marriage. I insist on forcing square pegs into round holes just to prove that I can "make it happen", to prove to myself that who I fell in love with, was not the wrong person.

Naturally, I am ever vigilant that this behavior doesn't bite me again. And so... I'm working on that. I take moments to reflect.....is this person really a round peg or am I forcing it again? It's a difficult question for me to answer because, as often happens with all of us, our emotions can run away with us and convince us of almost anything. For me, I feel like I'm much wiser and way more mature. Hopefully, as I am more cognisant of this fact, I will be more rational than emotional when making those decisions.

I am going into my relationships with no expectations. No demands. No visions. It is what it is and I'm going to enjoy it until it becomes more. And even as I feel it becoming more, I vow to keep things in perspective: I have two daughters, and we are all in this together so my decisions are being made for all three of us. I may have been separated since November, but it's been seven years of living a lie and I'm still sorting some parts of me out.

The key for me is to not force things. If it is right, then I will know it. And if it is wrong I will know it. Lieing to myself about it either way does me no favors. It's better to acknowledge the truth and make decisions based on the truth rather than on my expectations. Such a strange concept. Doesn't even make SENSE to have made decisions based on expectations... but that's what I was doing.

I EXPECT to be married forever, therefore, come hell or high water, I will be. I EXPECT to not be cheated on, therefore I believe every unbelievable lie you're telling. I EXPECT to have a relatively drama free life, therefore I will submit to all of your demands just for the sake of avoiding drama. Everything was so bad I figured it would only be made worse if I acknowledge it was bad. Again, Richard played a huge part in this. He told me some beautiful lies; he fed my rationale... he fed the lie. But I ate it up :(

That's not working and it's going to change. And hopefully the rest will fall into place on their own.

I promise myself to stop forcing square pegs into round holes.