I still find myself wanting to the call the jerk and ask... Didn't you love me? Wasn't that real? How many were there, really? What could I have done differently?
I shake my head at myself. I'd never get the truth. His versions of the truth would only serve to confuse me some more. What's the point? Really? I don't call. Never will.
The evenings at home have given rise to new routines. The girls and I eat dinner, I do some laundry/dishes while they play, plop the girls in a bath, help them brush their teeth, give them loves and hugs and send them to bed. Faith keeps asking when she and I will get another stay home day together. Those words hurt my heart! She doesn't understand that there just won't be many stay home days during the week anymore.
Above all, the girls and I get stronger every day. We all pull together and do what needs done. There is no more fighting in our house. I don't cry so much anymore and if I do, it's usually in the "deep-dark-dank-of-night" where you can't help but come face to face with yourself, and even then I cry only because I'm lonely. I really, really want to have someone decent to share my life with. That will come in God's time, not mine. Still, some nights are quite lonely but those are getting few and far between.
When I look back at the last few months and gauge where I was on December 10th, and then on December 25th and then today, I feel pride at how far I have come as a human being. Everytime I feel old feelings from the last few months start to resurface, such as I want to call him and ask him all these questions, I remind myself that I am dwelling and that's not healing.
Moving forward really is inevitable if you allow it to happen. Therefore, I'm allowing it to happen on my time, however quickly or slowly that occurs. I still feel guilty sometimes that I am moving forward without him; kind of like I am leaving our family behind. But the real fact of the matter is, I am not leaving my family behind I am leaving the past behind. Our family has changed, and that's okay. It's changed for the better, and that's fantastic!
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Sunday, January 9, 2011
sunday...
Yep that's the day of the week :-p
Over the last few days I have begun to turn away from deconstructing my past and look forward to constructing my future. That involved redefining myself and the only part of one whole, instead of one part of a whole. It also required me to ask myself what I want for myself. That question was very hard for me to answer and I'm not convinced I've answered if fully, if at all.
I want happiness. Bottom line. Happiness to me has to be completely restated. Happiness used to be my marriage and my family; feeling as though I was keeping all balls in the air at all times and doing so with ease and efficiency. Well, clearly, that didn't work out. I didn't have anything under control. Not a THING.
Over the last eight weeks, a new defnition of "happy" has begun to slowly emerged. I like having all of my laundry done. That makes me happy. It also makes me happy to wake up in the morning and have a job. Moreover, I find great joy in my daughters; in everything they do really. Their laugh, their smile, their questions, their milestones. I find contentment in my friends and family... especially my the people who have supported me and cared for me throughout this, the most difficult time, in my life.
But...what about happiness in someone else? What about... hmmm... a new boy? Well, that's a tricky question.
Over the last few days I have begun to turn away from deconstructing my past and look forward to constructing my future. That involved redefining myself and the only part of one whole, instead of one part of a whole. It also required me to ask myself what I want for myself. That question was very hard for me to answer and I'm not convinced I've answered if fully, if at all.
I want happiness. Bottom line. Happiness to me has to be completely restated. Happiness used to be my marriage and my family; feeling as though I was keeping all balls in the air at all times and doing so with ease and efficiency. Well, clearly, that didn't work out. I didn't have anything under control. Not a THING.
Over the last eight weeks, a new defnition of "happy" has begun to slowly emerged. I like having all of my laundry done. That makes me happy. It also makes me happy to wake up in the morning and have a job. Moreover, I find great joy in my daughters; in everything they do really. Their laugh, their smile, their questions, their milestones. I find contentment in my friends and family... especially my the people who have supported me and cared for me throughout this, the most difficult time, in my life.
But...what about happiness in someone else? What about... hmmm... a new boy? Well, that's a tricky question.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Stand up and walk out of your history
Powerful words.
I asked myself what I wanted. I immediately answered, "To be happy". How do you get there? Meeting new people, giving myself what I wish others would have and moving forward with positivity and light.
Again, my head is there, but my heart lingers. It insists on replaying what went on between him and those other girls. Which is a new thing for me, actually, it just started a few days ago. I know why it's happening; because I CARE what happened. Like as if, I keep seeing the images in my head enough then maybe it won't have happened? Why do I keep thinking about it? What is trying to break through? And why the hell do I care?? Because even I am human and I am not above the pain brought about by the ultimate betrayal of your spouse, team mate, best friend and confidante.
At first I thought these masochistic images was reason's attempt to convince my heart that this did indeed happen. There is no way to get around it. My mind, my reasonable, intellectual mind, is dragging my heart kicking and screaming through the new doors that God has opened. Why do "I" get it, but my heart doesn't?
Maybe it's because the whole thing was so devestating and traumatic to me. The deception, the lies, the secrets; I'm not capable of that behavior. Never have been. Once I love you, it's that way forever. How was I living with someone who was so capable of inflicting such great pain?
His aiblity to come home and act like nothing whatsoever was amiss is unmatched, except maybe by OJ Simpson; he had no guilt. ZERO. His actions and life with me so belied what he was telling me on that Saturday, made me feel as though I had been thrust into this alternate universe; what I was hearing, was not what I was hearing. What had happened, could not possibly have happened. But it all did. And it happened here, in my life. With me on watch. Maybe this is acceptance. Maybe those images are acceptance, not approval, not forgiveness, not trauma, but acceptance of what is.
I really went through a horrible phase where I refused to acknowledge what happened and insisted that this could not be happening to me. It wasn't supposed to happen to me. I did all the right things. I was a good wife, a good mom and a friend to him. I came home to him every night. Never strayed. Never thought about it. Gave more and more even when I thought I had nothing else to give. No doubt, I earned my way out of this marriage. I did everything I could to make our marriage a happy one. I was his best friend.... even providing brutal honesty when I knew it would hurt him in the short run, but help him in the long run. So, how the hell did this happen?
It doesn't make sense. But I keep replaying the images I've created for myself over and over in my mind like maybe I can make sense of it. Of course, I lament every day: "Why did I ask questions that I could not stand the answers to?" I'm trying everything to regain discipline and control my thoughts. And that's why those words from Dr. Phil struck me as so rich with common sense. It's a call to action for myself. Something I can actively do and spiritually do: "Stand up and walk out of your history". It's as simple as that. Let it drop.
I suspect this is my minds way of processing what happened. I suspect this is a neccesary phase in the grieving and healing process. This is one time where I wish I could close my mind's eye... glue it shut actually.
Stand up and walk out of my history.
I asked myself what I wanted. I immediately answered, "To be happy". How do you get there? Meeting new people, giving myself what I wish others would have and moving forward with positivity and light.
Again, my head is there, but my heart lingers. It insists on replaying what went on between him and those other girls. Which is a new thing for me, actually, it just started a few days ago. I know why it's happening; because I CARE what happened. Like as if, I keep seeing the images in my head enough then maybe it won't have happened? Why do I keep thinking about it? What is trying to break through? And why the hell do I care?? Because even I am human and I am not above the pain brought about by the ultimate betrayal of your spouse, team mate, best friend and confidante.
At first I thought these masochistic images was reason's attempt to convince my heart that this did indeed happen. There is no way to get around it. My mind, my reasonable, intellectual mind, is dragging my heart kicking and screaming through the new doors that God has opened. Why do "I" get it, but my heart doesn't?
Maybe it's because the whole thing was so devestating and traumatic to me. The deception, the lies, the secrets; I'm not capable of that behavior. Never have been. Once I love you, it's that way forever. How was I living with someone who was so capable of inflicting such great pain?
His aiblity to come home and act like nothing whatsoever was amiss is unmatched, except maybe by OJ Simpson; he had no guilt. ZERO. His actions and life with me so belied what he was telling me on that Saturday, made me feel as though I had been thrust into this alternate universe; what I was hearing, was not what I was hearing. What had happened, could not possibly have happened. But it all did. And it happened here, in my life. With me on watch. Maybe this is acceptance. Maybe those images are acceptance, not approval, not forgiveness, not trauma, but acceptance of what is.
I really went through a horrible phase where I refused to acknowledge what happened and insisted that this could not be happening to me. It wasn't supposed to happen to me. I did all the right things. I was a good wife, a good mom and a friend to him. I came home to him every night. Never strayed. Never thought about it. Gave more and more even when I thought I had nothing else to give. No doubt, I earned my way out of this marriage. I did everything I could to make our marriage a happy one. I was his best friend.... even providing brutal honesty when I knew it would hurt him in the short run, but help him in the long run. So, how the hell did this happen?
It doesn't make sense. But I keep replaying the images I've created for myself over and over in my mind like maybe I can make sense of it. Of course, I lament every day: "Why did I ask questions that I could not stand the answers to?" I'm trying everything to regain discipline and control my thoughts. And that's why those words from Dr. Phil struck me as so rich with common sense. It's a call to action for myself. Something I can actively do and spiritually do: "Stand up and walk out of your history". It's as simple as that. Let it drop.
I suspect this is my minds way of processing what happened. I suspect this is a neccesary phase in the grieving and healing process. This is one time where I wish I could close my mind's eye... glue it shut actually.
Stand up and walk out of my history.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Life goes on
I've been feeling much better lately. Life seems to be moving on, and I'm okay with that. The girls and I are settling into a new routine and we are all much happier. There's a lot of laughter in my house.
At night when the girls are sleeping I sometimes find myself dwelling on what happened between him and those other girls. Where did the things happen at? How did he touch them and hold them, how much did they kiss, what exactly went on between them? I remind myself that I know WAY more than I ever wanted to know and that I'm ready to put the past in the past. But then I ask myself: "Am I really ready to put it away?"
The real answer, the honest answer, the answer that is most true, is that YES, I am ready to put it away and leave him behind. But, these lingering feelings of loyalty, loneliness, hope for our future, grief for our past and yes, even love, make the application of that intellectual decision to move forward incredibly hard.
I find myself sick at the thought of doing anything that doesn't involve him. Going out with other people, buying new things, watching television shows even! I feel like I'm being disloyal, and like I'm cheating on HIM! What a bizarre feeling to have. I want life to move on, but it hurts... and I don't know how long it will hurt. It's almost as if he is dead and I am missing his memory and our past, but not exactly him.
So, am I ready to move forward? The mind says yes, the heart says no.
My mind focuses on what I need to do to move forward. Step 1 is to learn from your mistake. To that end, there are many lessons I have taken away from this experience and I'm sure there are more to come, but the one, most important thing I have taken away from this experience is a renewed spiritual relationship with God.
I prayed before my life was obliterated by the exquisite lies of a master manipulator; my prayers consisted of thanking God for two healthy children, being blessed financially and for, what I believed, was a husband who put his family above all else. Now, though, I pray that God will continue to give me strength and guidance and reveal his plan for me so that I may follow it.
I have also learned that I am not immune to life's sorrows and that life can really, really hurt. I can see now that as long as you have FAITH in God, and handle yourself with GRACE and compassion, that you will come through okay. It's just something I have to go through, and my connection to a higher power has been invaluable to me.
That connection has been palpable; I can see, touch, taste and smell it. Two weeks ago, I walked into my bedroom and the smell of roses absolutely hit me in the face. I knew immediately, it was God's presence there to calm me. A few days later I got into my car and smelled my pap! I know that is weird but he always smelled like homemade soup! There had been no soup in my car. Period. I knew that was Pap.... and it comforted me.
I have recurrent dreams of being at ocean shores, my favorite place, and watching the tide come in. The peace I have in those moments is unparalleled. There is no denial, only acceptance, in those dreams. Above all, there is hope. And that is worth everything.
A few days later, I was praying to God, having a particularly emotional moment, and asked him to please help me out. Instantaneously I received a text with a smiley face out of the blue from one of my best friends. He and I talked for over two hours and he for some reason, was able to say to me what I needed to hear, in a way that I could listen and understand it. Jesus, of course, was a great communicator and could explain the concepts of faith, everlasting life, good and evil, to his followers in ways they, too, could understand and comprehend. As I drew this parallel, I found it to be interesting indeed.
There are no coincidences. My view that God has put the world in motion and stepped back, has changed drastically. I ignored the subtler signs that my marriage was not healthy so God hauled off and smacked me in the face with facts I could not deny. It was a defining moment that has changed me for life and made me a better person; I can honestly say I am proud of myself and my decisions. I had the guts to make the hard decision, not the easy one. I didn't think I had it in me and I surprised myself greatly!
God's voice has gotten louder and louder and began one year ago when I decided to go back to school. It's continued throughout the year, manifesting itself in dreams, changes in my perspective, and a deep down sensation that I was off track with my life. How had my life gotten so far with so little that I could be personally proud of? I had not achieved any of the dreams I had for myself. Sure, the experience of motherhood is unmatched, but it was not that which completely fulfilled me alone. I had not taken the risks I had dreamed for myself, I had put my life on hold and I wasn't sure why. For three years I chewed on something someone told me once: There comes a time when you have to stop thinking and start doing. It struck in me and I never forgot it.
So now, God really has my attention! And I'm ready to listen and not make excuses. Eventually, my heart will catch up to my mind and be ready to let go. In the meantime, I continue to ask that God reveal his plans to me and that those plans include future happiness with someone who can give me mutual respect, love and admiration.
At night when the girls are sleeping I sometimes find myself dwelling on what happened between him and those other girls. Where did the things happen at? How did he touch them and hold them, how much did they kiss, what exactly went on between them? I remind myself that I know WAY more than I ever wanted to know and that I'm ready to put the past in the past. But then I ask myself: "Am I really ready to put it away?"
The real answer, the honest answer, the answer that is most true, is that YES, I am ready to put it away and leave him behind. But, these lingering feelings of loyalty, loneliness, hope for our future, grief for our past and yes, even love, make the application of that intellectual decision to move forward incredibly hard.
I find myself sick at the thought of doing anything that doesn't involve him. Going out with other people, buying new things, watching television shows even! I feel like I'm being disloyal, and like I'm cheating on HIM! What a bizarre feeling to have. I want life to move on, but it hurts... and I don't know how long it will hurt. It's almost as if he is dead and I am missing his memory and our past, but not exactly him.
So, am I ready to move forward? The mind says yes, the heart says no.
My mind focuses on what I need to do to move forward. Step 1 is to learn from your mistake. To that end, there are many lessons I have taken away from this experience and I'm sure there are more to come, but the one, most important thing I have taken away from this experience is a renewed spiritual relationship with God.
I prayed before my life was obliterated by the exquisite lies of a master manipulator; my prayers consisted of thanking God for two healthy children, being blessed financially and for, what I believed, was a husband who put his family above all else. Now, though, I pray that God will continue to give me strength and guidance and reveal his plan for me so that I may follow it.
I have also learned that I am not immune to life's sorrows and that life can really, really hurt. I can see now that as long as you have FAITH in God, and handle yourself with GRACE and compassion, that you will come through okay. It's just something I have to go through, and my connection to a higher power has been invaluable to me.
That connection has been palpable; I can see, touch, taste and smell it. Two weeks ago, I walked into my bedroom and the smell of roses absolutely hit me in the face. I knew immediately, it was God's presence there to calm me. A few days later I got into my car and smelled my pap! I know that is weird but he always smelled like homemade soup! There had been no soup in my car. Period. I knew that was Pap.... and it comforted me.
I have recurrent dreams of being at ocean shores, my favorite place, and watching the tide come in. The peace I have in those moments is unparalleled. There is no denial, only acceptance, in those dreams. Above all, there is hope. And that is worth everything.
A few days later, I was praying to God, having a particularly emotional moment, and asked him to please help me out. Instantaneously I received a text with a smiley face out of the blue from one of my best friends. He and I talked for over two hours and he for some reason, was able to say to me what I needed to hear, in a way that I could listen and understand it. Jesus, of course, was a great communicator and could explain the concepts of faith, everlasting life, good and evil, to his followers in ways they, too, could understand and comprehend. As I drew this parallel, I found it to be interesting indeed.
There are no coincidences. My view that God has put the world in motion and stepped back, has changed drastically. I ignored the subtler signs that my marriage was not healthy so God hauled off and smacked me in the face with facts I could not deny. It was a defining moment that has changed me for life and made me a better person; I can honestly say I am proud of myself and my decisions. I had the guts to make the hard decision, not the easy one. I didn't think I had it in me and I surprised myself greatly!
God's voice has gotten louder and louder and began one year ago when I decided to go back to school. It's continued throughout the year, manifesting itself in dreams, changes in my perspective, and a deep down sensation that I was off track with my life. How had my life gotten so far with so little that I could be personally proud of? I had not achieved any of the dreams I had for myself. Sure, the experience of motherhood is unmatched, but it was not that which completely fulfilled me alone. I had not taken the risks I had dreamed for myself, I had put my life on hold and I wasn't sure why. For three years I chewed on something someone told me once: There comes a time when you have to stop thinking and start doing. It struck in me and I never forgot it.
So now, God really has my attention! And I'm ready to listen and not make excuses. Eventually, my heart will catch up to my mind and be ready to let go. In the meantime, I continue to ask that God reveal his plans to me and that those plans include future happiness with someone who can give me mutual respect, love and admiration.
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