Life goes on

I've been feeling much better lately. Life seems to be moving on, and I'm okay with that. The girls and I are settling into a new routine and we are all much happier. There's a lot of laughter in my house.

At night when the girls are sleeping I sometimes find myself dwelling on what happened between him and those other girls. Where did the things happen at? How did he touch them and hold them, how much did they kiss, what exactly went on between them? I remind myself that I know WAY more than I ever wanted to know and that I'm ready to put the past in the past. But then I ask myself: "Am I really ready to put it away?"

The real answer, the honest answer, the answer that is most true, is that YES, I am ready to put it away and leave him behind. But, these lingering feelings of loyalty, loneliness, hope for our future, grief for our past and yes, even love, make the application of that intellectual decision to move forward incredibly hard.

I find myself sick at the thought of doing anything that doesn't involve him. Going out with other people, buying new things, watching television shows even! I feel like I'm being disloyal, and like I'm cheating on HIM! What a bizarre feeling to have. I want life to move on, but it hurts... and I don't know how long it will hurt. It's almost as if he is dead and I am missing his memory and our past, but not exactly him.

So, am I ready to move forward? The mind says yes, the heart says no.

My mind focuses on what I need to do to move forward. Step 1 is to learn from your mistake. To that end, there are many lessons I have taken away from this experience and I'm sure there are more to come, but the one, most important thing I have taken away from this experience is a renewed spiritual relationship with God.

I prayed before my life was obliterated by the exquisite lies of a master manipulator; my prayers consisted of thanking God for two healthy children, being blessed financially and for, what I believed, was a husband who put his family above all else. Now, though, I pray that God will continue to give me strength and guidance and reveal his plan for me so that I may follow it.

I have also learned that I am not immune to life's sorrows and that life can really, really hurt. I can see now that as long as you have FAITH in God, and handle yourself with GRACE and compassion, that you will come through okay. It's just something I have to go through, and my connection to a higher power has been invaluable to me.

That connection has been palpable; I can see, touch, taste and smell it. Two weeks ago, I walked into my bedroom and the smell of roses absolutely hit me in the face. I knew immediately, it was God's presence there to calm me. A few days later I got into my car and smelled my pap! I know that is weird but he always smelled like homemade soup! There had been no soup in my car. Period. I knew that was Pap.... and it comforted me.

I have recurrent dreams of being at ocean shores, my favorite place, and watching the tide come in. The peace I have in those moments is unparalleled. There is no denial, only acceptance, in those dreams. Above all, there is hope. And that is worth everything.

A few days later, I was praying to God, having a particularly emotional moment, and asked him to please help me out. Instantaneously I received a text with a smiley face out of the blue from one of my best friends. He and I talked for over two hours and he for some reason, was able to say to me what I needed to hear, in a way that I could listen and understand it. Jesus, of course, was a great communicator and could explain the concepts of faith, everlasting life, good and evil, to his followers in ways they, too, could understand and comprehend. As I drew this parallel, I found it to be interesting indeed.

There are no coincidences. My view that God has put the world in motion and stepped back, has changed drastically. I ignored the subtler signs that my marriage was not healthy so God hauled off and smacked me in the face with facts I could not deny. It was a defining moment that has changed me for life and made me a better person; I can honestly say I am proud of myself and my decisions. I had the guts to make the hard decision, not the easy one. I didn't think I had it in me and I surprised myself greatly!

God's voice has gotten louder and louder and began one year ago when I decided to go back to school. It's continued throughout the year, manifesting itself in dreams, changes in my perspective, and a deep down sensation that I was off track with my life. How had my life gotten so far with so little that I could be personally proud of? I had not achieved any of the dreams I had for myself. Sure, the experience of motherhood is unmatched, but it was not that which completely fulfilled me alone. I had not taken the risks I had dreamed for myself, I had put my life on hold and I wasn't sure why. For three years I chewed on something someone told me once: There comes a time when you have to stop thinking and start doing. It struck in me and I never forgot it.

So now, God really has my attention! And I'm ready to listen and not make excuses. Eventually, my heart will catch up to my mind and be ready to let go. In the meantime,  I continue to ask that God reveal his plans to me and that those plans include future happiness with someone who can give me mutual respect, love and admiration.