just some thoughts...

I still find myself wanting to the call the jerk and ask... Didn't you love me? Wasn't that real? How many were there, really? What could I have done differently?

I shake my head at myself. I'd never get the truth. His versions of the truth would only serve to confuse me some more. What's the point? Really? I don't call. Never will.

The evenings at home have given rise to new routines. The girls and I eat dinner, I do some laundry/dishes while they play, plop the girls in a bath, help them brush their teeth, give them loves and hugs and send them to bed. Faith keeps asking when she and I will get another stay home day together. Those words hurt my heart! She doesn't understand that there just won't be many stay home days during the week anymore.

Above all, the girls and I get stronger every day. We all pull together and do what needs done. There is no more fighting in our house. I don't cry so much anymore and if I do, it's usually in the "deep-dark-dank-of-night" where you can't help but come face to face with yourself, and even then I cry only because I'm lonely. I really, really want to have someone decent to share my life with. That will come in God's time, not mine. Still, some nights are quite lonely but those are getting few and far between.

When I look back at the last few months and gauge where I was on December 10th, and then on December 25th and then today, I feel pride at how far I have come as a human being. Everytime I feel old feelings from the last few months start to resurface, such as I want to call him and ask him all these questions, I remind myself that I am dwelling and that's not healing.

Moving forward really is inevitable if you allow it to happen. Therefore, I'm allowing it to happen on my time, however quickly or slowly that occurs. I still feel guilty sometimes that I am moving forward without him; kind of like I am leaving our family behind. But the real fact of the matter is, I am not leaving my family behind I am leaving the past behind. Our family has changed, and that's okay. It's changed for the better, and that's fantastic!