Stand up and walk out of your history

Powerful words.

I asked myself what I wanted. I immediately answered, "To be happy". How do you get there? Meeting new people, giving myself what I wish others would have and moving forward with positivity and light.

Again, my head is there, but my heart lingers. It insists on replaying what went on between him and those other girls. Which is a new thing for me, actually, it just started a few days ago. I know why it's happening; because I CARE what happened. Like as if, I keep seeing the images in my head enough then maybe it won't have happened? Why do I keep thinking about it? What is trying to break through? And why the hell do I care?? Because even I am human and I am not above the pain brought about by the ultimate betrayal of your spouse, team mate, best friend and confidante.

At first I thought these masochistic images was reason's attempt to convince my heart that this did indeed happen. There is no way to get around it. My mind, my reasonable, intellectual mind, is dragging my heart kicking and screaming through the new doors that God has opened. Why do "I" get it, but my heart doesn't?

Maybe it's because the whole thing was so devestating and traumatic to me. The deception, the lies, the secrets; I'm not capable of that behavior. Never have been. Once I love you, it's that way forever. How was I living with someone who was so capable of inflicting such great pain?

His aiblity to come home and act like nothing whatsoever was amiss is unmatched, except maybe by OJ Simpson; he had no guilt. ZERO. His actions and life with me so belied what he was telling me on that Saturday, made me feel as though I had been thrust into this alternate universe; what I was hearing, was not what I was hearing. What had happened, could not possibly have happened. But it all did. And it happened here, in my life. With me on watch. Maybe this is acceptance. Maybe those images are acceptance, not approval, not forgiveness, not trauma, but acceptance of what is.

I really went through a horrible phase where I refused to acknowledge what happened and insisted that this could not be happening to me. It wasn't supposed to happen to me. I did all the right things. I was a good wife, a good mom and a friend to him. I came home to him every night. Never strayed. Never thought about it. Gave more and more even when I thought I had nothing else to give. No doubt, I earned my way out of this marriage. I did everything I could to make our marriage a happy one. I was his best friend.... even providing brutal honesty when I knew it would hurt him in the short run, but help him in the long run. So, how the hell did this happen?

It doesn't make sense. But I keep replaying the images I've created for myself over and over in my mind like maybe I can make sense of it. Of course, I lament every day: "Why did I ask questions that I could not stand the answers to?" I'm trying everything to regain discipline and control my thoughts. And that's why those words from Dr. Phil struck me as so rich with common sense. It's a call to action for myself. Something I can actively do and spiritually do: "Stand up and walk out of your history". It's as simple as that. Let it drop.

I suspect this is my minds way of processing what happened. I suspect this is a neccesary phase in the grieving and healing process. This is one time where I wish I could close my mind's eye... glue it shut actually.

Stand up and walk out of my history.