Am I Poisoning my Own Well?

I don't know why I do things that I do. But the things that I do are ruining the good things in my life. I am trying to drop the baggage. I am trying to drop the anger. I am changing my behavior. Every day, I have to make decisions about how I'm going to behave and sometimes I don't make the right decision.

Those bad decisions are seriously causing  havoc in my life.

I am trying so hard.

WTF

So you would think that seven months of time removed from the date of the implosion of my life would be enough to erase all the crap that came before... the seven years of garbage.

Turns out...

Not the case.

In keeping with the new theme of my life, "There Are No Coincidences".....

About two months ago my mom told me, squarely, you will drive everyone away with your attitude. And it looks like that's actually correct.

I'm mad at myself. And for the first time in my life I can identify that: I.AM.Angry.

I didn't "let it go". I burried it. And here it is again.

I stopped hitting the self destruct button back in January. But now, I'm imploding from the inside...

and I just really don't want to talk about it....

Something I really valued is now good and it's my fault.

It is what it is.

That's basically all I can say about it.

I have to accept it.

And acceptance is a real bitch.

Happy :)

Yep. I feel it. Genuinely and asolutely.

I didn't realize how unhappy I had been until I started feeling so happy, again!

2010 may have been the best year of my life :)

I am not broken down.

This always happens to me.

Everyone talks about the benefit of open communication. If it's bothering you, talk about it. Lay it out there. So that's what I do, and instead we end up talking about what an asshole I am. How does this happen?

But I've never been told I'm broken down. I've never been told that I live in a fucked up world.

After living with the ass face and being told horrible things about myself while we were fighting, only to have them recanted after the fight was over, to have it realized at the end that he actually DID feel that way about me (the way he said he felt when we were fighting... nothings good enough for me, I am too difficult, I am mean... yadda yadda yadda).... well can y ou appreciate how I'm not sure if these things were said out of anger or if they were actually how he feels???

This always happens to me. I'm not broken down.

holy hell...

Such a contridiction in terms, it seems fitting to describe my feelings right now! Relationships are hard. All types of relationships are hard. Parent and child, both as a child and as a parent. Sibling relationships, romantic relationships, friendships, work relationships, among many, many others, take work.

Some days, I find myself wondering if I even want to put the work in. Other days, I feel like I'm backsliding and have no choice but to put the work in. And still other days, I feel like it's someone elses responsbility to the put the work in, not mine!

For me, the biggest challenge right now is that I feel like I can't be myself. Because I still drink the koolaid some days, I can't help but feel like "myself" is too much... too much conviction, too many opinions, too much to live up to. On days, like today, when I am not drinking the koolaid, I am pretty convinced that it is not ME who is too much; I am living like an adult and I don't care who is put off by it. I own my home, my car and a few IRA's... I'm going to school and have two children who are the center of my life. I don't have time for games, and if that's "too much" for someone, then that someone is playing the games I have no interest in playing!

More and more, I am beginning to recognize that it is my relationship with myself that counts above all others.  Over the last few weeks I've started asking myself why I drink the koolaid? Why am I okay being a doormat? Why do I make people a priority when, to them, I feel as though I am only an option? Why do I require so much attention from other folks, to make myself feel more secure in a romantic relationship?  

Whether I realize it or not, sometimes I allow myself to be a doormat. I've identified ways in which I do this and I'm sure this will be a process of evolution and self discovery, but I'm off to a great start. I also have identified that I tie my happiness to my romantic relationships. That's not healthy. That's not a good example for my girls. I think that's also infatuation.

Although all of these realizations are dawning on me, I don't want these self-empowering moments to lead to jaded and insensitive positions on relationships. I don't want to be a person who is so jaded and indifferent to those around me that I can take or leave other human beings. There must be, and I'm sure there is, a healthy balance between being true to myself and my own feelings of loving others, and not allowing myself to be a doormat to others!

I know I'll figure it out.

In the meantime, I see more and more of the benefit of these last five solitary months. So much alone time has forced me into the deep dark dank of night where the hard questions are asked and hopefully answered. I'm re-establishing my own parameters and redeveloping my senses.

This is good for me. I'm grateful for this opportunity.

"Happiness has its own way, of taking its sweet time" -Gary Allen

Square pegs don't fit in round holes

My life is moving forward. Each passing minute creates more distance between what happened to my life and what my life is becoming. In order to move forward, I've pieced together where I cam from. It's "pc" to say that I didn't deserve what happened to me and that I had no way of knowing about all the affairs and all the lies and all the sneaking. But fact of the matter is, I had a part in this. I know in my mind what the signs were and I chose to look beyond and let me be led by fear rather than having courage and taking control. I came from a life that spun out of control partly because I allowed fear to take over and ignored what was happening; the signs were all pointing to what I eventually could not deny, but that didn't fit in well with my idea of the life I thought I deserved so I ignored it. Ignorance truly is bliss.

But, that's not who I am. I know how to face my problems, I know how to solve my problems, and I know how to roll with what life throws my way. My problem has always been my preconceived notions of what I want. It's not my expectations that are the problem but the fact that I impose those expectations on any mold, any mold whatsoever, so that it works for me and I don't have to "deal" with the continued search for what makes me happy. This type of behavior is what got me into trouble in my marriage. I insist on forcing square pegs into round holes just to prove that I can "make it happen", to prove to myself that who I fell in love with, was not the wrong person.

Naturally, I am ever vigilant that this behavior doesn't bite me again. And so... I'm working on that. I take moments to reflect.....is this person really a round peg or am I forcing it again? It's a difficult question for me to answer because, as often happens with all of us, our emotions can run away with us and convince us of almost anything. For me, I feel like I'm much wiser and way more mature. Hopefully, as I am more cognisant of this fact, I will be more rational than emotional when making those decisions.

I am going into my relationships with no expectations. No demands. No visions. It is what it is and I'm going to enjoy it until it becomes more. And even as I feel it becoming more, I vow to keep things in perspective: I have two daughters, and we are all in this together so my decisions are being made for all three of us. I may have been separated since November, but it's been seven years of living a lie and I'm still sorting some parts of me out.

The key for me is to not force things. If it is right, then I will know it. And if it is wrong I will know it. Lieing to myself about it either way does me no favors. It's better to acknowledge the truth and make decisions based on the truth rather than on my expectations. Such a strange concept. Doesn't even make SENSE to have made decisions based on expectations... but that's what I was doing.

I EXPECT to be married forever, therefore, come hell or high water, I will be. I EXPECT to not be cheated on, therefore I believe every unbelievable lie you're telling. I EXPECT to have a relatively drama free life, therefore I will submit to all of your demands just for the sake of avoiding drama. Everything was so bad I figured it would only be made worse if I acknowledge it was bad. Again, Richard played a huge part in this. He told me some beautiful lies; he fed my rationale... he fed the lie. But I ate it up :(

That's not working and it's going to change. And hopefully the rest will fall into place on their own.

I promise myself to stop forcing square pegs into round holes.

Those who do not learn from their past....

..... Are destined to repeat it. I am not condemned. I'm not going to let fear make my decisions anymore. Choices are half chance; so are everybody elses.

SO FUCK YOU

It's okay to let yourself be happy.

So, Jon just said it last night... the thing I've been catching myself doing: being a victim. O my, he's emailing and being a jerk... damn the child support is late again! Efff.. he's texting me at 3 a.m. again. I'm letting this define me. Kind of wallowing in it. Okay... absolutely wallowing in it. I'm glad he said it. It's helping my attitude change. Don't get me wrong, I don't like the picture he held up to me; but that's kind of what best friends do. They shake you out of your self pitty and drop kick you through the goal posts of life as needed.

Beyond the victim thing... which I'm dealing with... I am grappling with a new... occurence. I 'catch' myself being happy, immediately question what the hell I could possibly be happy about, and then remind myself, IT'S OKAY TO BE HAPPY. It's weird. But happy :)

just some thoughts...

I still find myself wanting to the call the jerk and ask... Didn't you love me? Wasn't that real? How many were there, really? What could I have done differently?

I shake my head at myself. I'd never get the truth. His versions of the truth would only serve to confuse me some more. What's the point? Really? I don't call. Never will.

The evenings at home have given rise to new routines. The girls and I eat dinner, I do some laundry/dishes while they play, plop the girls in a bath, help them brush their teeth, give them loves and hugs and send them to bed. Faith keeps asking when she and I will get another stay home day together. Those words hurt my heart! She doesn't understand that there just won't be many stay home days during the week anymore.

Above all, the girls and I get stronger every day. We all pull together and do what needs done. There is no more fighting in our house. I don't cry so much anymore and if I do, it's usually in the "deep-dark-dank-of-night" where you can't help but come face to face with yourself, and even then I cry only because I'm lonely. I really, really want to have someone decent to share my life with. That will come in God's time, not mine. Still, some nights are quite lonely but those are getting few and far between.

When I look back at the last few months and gauge where I was on December 10th, and then on December 25th and then today, I feel pride at how far I have come as a human being. Everytime I feel old feelings from the last few months start to resurface, such as I want to call him and ask him all these questions, I remind myself that I am dwelling and that's not healing.

Moving forward really is inevitable if you allow it to happen. Therefore, I'm allowing it to happen on my time, however quickly or slowly that occurs. I still feel guilty sometimes that I am moving forward without him; kind of like I am leaving our family behind. But the real fact of the matter is, I am not leaving my family behind I am leaving the past behind. Our family has changed, and that's okay. It's changed for the better, and that's fantastic!

sunday...

Yep that's the day of the week :-p

Over the last few days I have begun to turn away from deconstructing my past and look forward to constructing my future. That involved redefining myself and the only part of one whole, instead of one part of a whole. It also required me to ask myself what I want for myself. That question was very hard for me to answer and I'm not convinced I've answered if fully, if at all.

I want happiness. Bottom line. Happiness to me has to be completely restated. Happiness used to be my marriage and my family; feeling as though I was keeping all balls in the air at all times and doing so with ease and efficiency. Well, clearly, that didn't work out. I didn't have anything under control. Not a THING.

Over the last eight weeks, a new defnition of "happy" has begun to slowly emerged. I like having all of my laundry done. That makes me happy. It also makes me happy to wake up in the morning and have a job. Moreover, I find great joy in my daughters; in everything they do really. Their laugh, their smile, their questions, their milestones. I find contentment in my friends and family... especially my the people who have supported me and cared for me throughout this, the most difficult time, in my life.

But...what about happiness in someone else? What about... hmmm... a new boy? Well, that's a tricky question.

Stand up and walk out of your history

Powerful words.

I asked myself what I wanted. I immediately answered, "To be happy". How do you get there? Meeting new people, giving myself what I wish others would have and moving forward with positivity and light.

Again, my head is there, but my heart lingers. It insists on replaying what went on between him and those other girls. Which is a new thing for me, actually, it just started a few days ago. I know why it's happening; because I CARE what happened. Like as if, I keep seeing the images in my head enough then maybe it won't have happened? Why do I keep thinking about it? What is trying to break through? And why the hell do I care?? Because even I am human and I am not above the pain brought about by the ultimate betrayal of your spouse, team mate, best friend and confidante.

At first I thought these masochistic images was reason's attempt to convince my heart that this did indeed happen. There is no way to get around it. My mind, my reasonable, intellectual mind, is dragging my heart kicking and screaming through the new doors that God has opened. Why do "I" get it, but my heart doesn't?

Maybe it's because the whole thing was so devestating and traumatic to me. The deception, the lies, the secrets; I'm not capable of that behavior. Never have been. Once I love you, it's that way forever. How was I living with someone who was so capable of inflicting such great pain?

His aiblity to come home and act like nothing whatsoever was amiss is unmatched, except maybe by OJ Simpson; he had no guilt. ZERO. His actions and life with me so belied what he was telling me on that Saturday, made me feel as though I had been thrust into this alternate universe; what I was hearing, was not what I was hearing. What had happened, could not possibly have happened. But it all did. And it happened here, in my life. With me on watch. Maybe this is acceptance. Maybe those images are acceptance, not approval, not forgiveness, not trauma, but acceptance of what is.

I really went through a horrible phase where I refused to acknowledge what happened and insisted that this could not be happening to me. It wasn't supposed to happen to me. I did all the right things. I was a good wife, a good mom and a friend to him. I came home to him every night. Never strayed. Never thought about it. Gave more and more even when I thought I had nothing else to give. No doubt, I earned my way out of this marriage. I did everything I could to make our marriage a happy one. I was his best friend.... even providing brutal honesty when I knew it would hurt him in the short run, but help him in the long run. So, how the hell did this happen?

It doesn't make sense. But I keep replaying the images I've created for myself over and over in my mind like maybe I can make sense of it. Of course, I lament every day: "Why did I ask questions that I could not stand the answers to?" I'm trying everything to regain discipline and control my thoughts. And that's why those words from Dr. Phil struck me as so rich with common sense. It's a call to action for myself. Something I can actively do and spiritually do: "Stand up and walk out of your history". It's as simple as that. Let it drop.

I suspect this is my minds way of processing what happened. I suspect this is a neccesary phase in the grieving and healing process. This is one time where I wish I could close my mind's eye... glue it shut actually.

Stand up and walk out of my history.

Life goes on

I've been feeling much better lately. Life seems to be moving on, and I'm okay with that. The girls and I are settling into a new routine and we are all much happier. There's a lot of laughter in my house.

At night when the girls are sleeping I sometimes find myself dwelling on what happened between him and those other girls. Where did the things happen at? How did he touch them and hold them, how much did they kiss, what exactly went on between them? I remind myself that I know WAY more than I ever wanted to know and that I'm ready to put the past in the past. But then I ask myself: "Am I really ready to put it away?"

The real answer, the honest answer, the answer that is most true, is that YES, I am ready to put it away and leave him behind. But, these lingering feelings of loyalty, loneliness, hope for our future, grief for our past and yes, even love, make the application of that intellectual decision to move forward incredibly hard.

I find myself sick at the thought of doing anything that doesn't involve him. Going out with other people, buying new things, watching television shows even! I feel like I'm being disloyal, and like I'm cheating on HIM! What a bizarre feeling to have. I want life to move on, but it hurts... and I don't know how long it will hurt. It's almost as if he is dead and I am missing his memory and our past, but not exactly him.

So, am I ready to move forward? The mind says yes, the heart says no.

My mind focuses on what I need to do to move forward. Step 1 is to learn from your mistake. To that end, there are many lessons I have taken away from this experience and I'm sure there are more to come, but the one, most important thing I have taken away from this experience is a renewed spiritual relationship with God.

I prayed before my life was obliterated by the exquisite lies of a master manipulator; my prayers consisted of thanking God for two healthy children, being blessed financially and for, what I believed, was a husband who put his family above all else. Now, though, I pray that God will continue to give me strength and guidance and reveal his plan for me so that I may follow it.

I have also learned that I am not immune to life's sorrows and that life can really, really hurt. I can see now that as long as you have FAITH in God, and handle yourself with GRACE and compassion, that you will come through okay. It's just something I have to go through, and my connection to a higher power has been invaluable to me.

That connection has been palpable; I can see, touch, taste and smell it. Two weeks ago, I walked into my bedroom and the smell of roses absolutely hit me in the face. I knew immediately, it was God's presence there to calm me. A few days later I got into my car and smelled my pap! I know that is weird but he always smelled like homemade soup! There had been no soup in my car. Period. I knew that was Pap.... and it comforted me.

I have recurrent dreams of being at ocean shores, my favorite place, and watching the tide come in. The peace I have in those moments is unparalleled. There is no denial, only acceptance, in those dreams. Above all, there is hope. And that is worth everything.

A few days later, I was praying to God, having a particularly emotional moment, and asked him to please help me out. Instantaneously I received a text with a smiley face out of the blue from one of my best friends. He and I talked for over two hours and he for some reason, was able to say to me what I needed to hear, in a way that I could listen and understand it. Jesus, of course, was a great communicator and could explain the concepts of faith, everlasting life, good and evil, to his followers in ways they, too, could understand and comprehend. As I drew this parallel, I found it to be interesting indeed.

There are no coincidences. My view that God has put the world in motion and stepped back, has changed drastically. I ignored the subtler signs that my marriage was not healthy so God hauled off and smacked me in the face with facts I could not deny. It was a defining moment that has changed me for life and made me a better person; I can honestly say I am proud of myself and my decisions. I had the guts to make the hard decision, not the easy one. I didn't think I had it in me and I surprised myself greatly!

God's voice has gotten louder and louder and began one year ago when I decided to go back to school. It's continued throughout the year, manifesting itself in dreams, changes in my perspective, and a deep down sensation that I was off track with my life. How had my life gotten so far with so little that I could be personally proud of? I had not achieved any of the dreams I had for myself. Sure, the experience of motherhood is unmatched, but it was not that which completely fulfilled me alone. I had not taken the risks I had dreamed for myself, I had put my life on hold and I wasn't sure why. For three years I chewed on something someone told me once: There comes a time when you have to stop thinking and start doing. It struck in me and I never forgot it.

So now, God really has my attention! And I'm ready to listen and not make excuses. Eventually, my heart will catch up to my mind and be ready to let go. In the meantime,  I continue to ask that God reveal his plans to me and that those plans include future happiness with someone who can give me mutual respect, love and admiration.