Dreams

Since discovering I was married to a person capable of exquisite lies and absolute cruelty, I have had one, recurring dream. Every. Single. Night. I'm at the ocean, and the waves are white and crisp and clear. They come rushing in at me, warm and comforting. The only sound I can hear is the crashing water and the only think I feel is warmth. I am completely alone and completely content. Last night the dream changed a bit. The sea was obstructed by huge rocks, but I could see the water spouting over them. And the water that seeped up to the shore was cold. The sand was white and warm.

I'm not sure why I keep having these dreams. I can say that if I could be anywhere right now, it would be sitting on the beach at Ocean Shores. I love it there. Some of my best memories are there and every summer, I look forward to the annual trip. In fact, I love it so much, I refuse to allow the haunting memories I created with the liar to prevent me from making more happy memories there with my daughters and for myself. 

So, I looked these dreams up on dream interpretation sites and they seem to agree that water is the metaphor for emotions. Apparently, the crisp white waves represent cleansing and new beginnings. The rocks I saw last night represent obstacles I must overcome within myself. Wow... who knew? LOL

I'm starting to understand those obstacles more... but not enough to write about them today. I will say the most surprising thing is that they are obstacles I have created for myself, and which the liar identified and played on.

Thank God

Everytime I start to feel scared, I just remember... three things:

1. Faye
2. Grace
3. Patti

With only three things to do:

1. Take care of the girls
2. Go to work
3. Take care of me

I know this is weird, but even thinking a week in advance gives me a panic attack.

I am barely a month over 30 years old and, barely two months ago, I was looking forward to this decade in my life and all the self assuredness that brings with it. Now, I'm sitting at my computer on Christmas Eve with a glass of juice, trying to force feed myself half of a mini bagel, and wellbutrin staring me in the face. NOT what we planned at the beginning of November when we were coordinating vacation days and such. But, it is what it is.

I'm so happy 2010 is ending. It's been a difficult year, first with Gracie's surgeries, then with Faith's schooling, now finding out Richard is basically a whore, whoring around with whatever would stand still long enough for him in his office, and finally, it costing him his job!

That being said, I am determined to open this decade of my life with positivity and light. I am going to find my new balance and I will persevere! There is more to life than despair and darkness. I know, I have lived it and intend to live it again. I know that God wants more for me and my girls than that. He wants us to find peace, love and light and I intend to get there!

I heard a quote the other day that coincidences are God's way of manifesting his presence in our lives and that when we pray, we encounter coincidences and when we do not pray, we do not. There are too many coincidences; divine messages at just the right moments in my life. I have started to listen to those messages and push the other thoughts out.

It's true, there are cruel reminders of my old life everywhere, but now that life is gone. That doesn't mean my life is over! There is something new and positive blooming within me and I intend on embarcing that fully.

It's enuff already

I had a long conversation with a good friend last night. It helped me a lot. At least in this moment it has. :) I slept last night. I ate dinner. I kept moving.

Quit working the puzzle. There is nothing to work. It is what it is.

Three things to take care of:

1.  Faye
2.  Gracie
3.  Me

Looking for reasons why, refusing to "let go", those are all excuses. They are my way of defending what he did so that I don't have to let go. It happened, that's it. End of story. I choose to not be married to someone like that.

Over time, I'll stop thinking about it. Less and less every day, even though the change may not be so appreciable right now.

I have made the right decision, now it's time to do the right thing. Man up.

just too tired to care.

I am so exhausted. I could sleep for a year. I know that's partly emotional, partly depression, partly not eating. Going to sleep for a year will not make this go away. It'll still be here when I wake up. I know it.

I am behind on work. I am behind on laundry, dishes and vacuuming. I am behind on groceries, christmas shopping, christmas wrapping. I am behind on absolutely everything.

The only thing I can think of...actually, I'm not sure what I think of.  I guess I just sit here feeling badly.

If there was one place I could be right now, it would be the Quinalt. Sitting out the back of my edge eating some razor clam chowder just watching the water and hearing the deafening roar of trillions of gallons of water hitting the earth at the same time. The waves are constant. They don't stop. They don't disappoint. They don't cheat. They don't hurt. They don't yell. They don't push. They don't demand. They just are. Peaceful, constant, everlasting. I love the ocean... I think I just figured out why.

And I can still catch up on that other stuff. All really is not lost.

I may have started off badly today, but it's gotten better!

I'm feeling really upbeat right now, well not really upbeat but happy. I don't feel like crying. I don't even feel anything like I felt yesterday. I do feel a little subdued, a bit melancholly but not like I want to die. The ache in my chest from this morning is gone.

When I was dry heaving this morning, I prayed. When I was getting dressed, I prayed. On my way to work, I prayed. And then this idea, so foreign, rushed on me like a wave of peace and understanding; I don't love him anymore. I don't miss him. I'm glad he's gone. I'm glad the negativity and lying and the anger and the hate and infidelity are gone!

I am going to make it through. Even through the loneliness, the hurt (that's sure to resurface again), the grief of losing my family. Those feelings are bubbling there, under the surface I'm sure. But right now, I can smile. Conversation about topics other than my cheating ex husband are easily had. I pray I feel this way tomorrow.  

numb.

So this morning, I'm awake. Since about 4:30 a.m. Had to throw up. Well, throwing up would mean that I ate so dry heave.

Yesterday, I got scared. Really scared. What am I going to do with the rest of my life? What the hell am I going to do? Instead of just crying about it, I texted a friend and told them I was scared... and cried about it :)

The girls and I had a good evening last night and I began to feel happy. For the first time in over a month, since he left, I felt happy in a way that wasn't related to him. I thought, "This will be okay". Before, I felt happy because he was in counseling, happy because we were talking again, happy because things seemed to be working out. But last night I felt happy just cause I felt the fog lift, even for a brief moment.

But it's back again.

Only today I'm numb. And I'm wondering... how much longer.

Stop and Stare

This town is colder now, I think it's sick of us
It's time to make our move, I'm shaking off the rust
I've got my heart set on anywhere but here
I'm staring down myself, counting up the yearsSteady hands, just take the wheel...And every glance is killing me
Time to make one last appeal... for the life I lead

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be, ohStop and stare
You start to wonder why you're here not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fairBut fair ain't what you really need
Oh, can you see what I see

They're trying to come back, all my senses pushUntie the weight bags, I never thought I could...
Steady feet, don't fail me nowGonna run till you can't walk
Something pulls my focus out
And I'm standing down...

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be, ohStop and stare
You start to wonder why you're here not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Oh, you don't need
Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhereYeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't beOh, do you see what I see...

great

so this morning i woke up, totally happy that i slept all night long. but then i immediately checked my phone to see if richard texted me that he got to work okay. and then i realized, that's not going to happen. ever again. so all morning, i've been thinking about the most depressing crap. i can barely stand to type it let alone think it and i'm not going to type it here. because i don't want to re-read it. i want to delete it. like his number from my phone, his pictures from my facebook, his text messages, his emails, the songs he would send me, the love letters he would write me (ten years worth). I wish it was that easy and I know it's not. there is nothing easy about this, even though i know how horribly he treated me and my girls. i know there is nothing easy about this and this is part of change, but i'm sick of crying about it.  Crying and anger and confusion and disbelief dominate my day. 

basically, i tried to be his "everything". now i have to be just me, so now what! 

yesterday i felt angry and today i feel hurt. i would rather feel angry.

it just keeps coming

Each time I think, "Wow, nothing is harder than this" something gets harder!

Last night I told Faith that Daddy wasn't going to live with us anymore. I asked her if she had questions or wanted to talk about her feelings. She answered, "I can't talk about that right now." And off she went to play. At that moment, I was extremely grateful for dodging that huge bullet.

Tonight, the floodgates opened. So many hurtful and emotional questions. That small heart, so full of love and acceptance and joy, struggled to wrap itself around a concept just too big for her to understand.

I know all I can do is reassure her. All I can tell her is that Daddy loves her and wants the best for her. All I can tell her is that Daddy misses them, too.

But it's hard for me to say that. Cause anyone who truly was thinking of their daughters would not have done what he did. Anyone who truly loved his family would have done the right thing, even though nobody was looking.

That's not a concept her five year old heart can understand and I don't intend to lay that at her feet. This is my burden, not hers. Her pain eclipses my own and I ache for what she's lost and what she SHOULD have had. A family unit, wholesome and loving and strong. One weak link is all it takes.

Patti Steele is listed as SINGLE

So, he moved out November 3rd and the divorce papers were filed shortly thereafter. I kind of put them on the back burner hoping counseling would help. I held on for a long time, dismissing my gut instincts, smoothing things over, making excuses and, basically, trying to make something fit that didn't fit! On Saturday, everything came to a decision point: Accept the life you've been living, full of pain, anger, rage, distrust, hurt, sorrow, depression, uncertainty and grief, or reach for better. I pick better. Better for me, my girls and life.

I'm not going to lie, I am SCARED. I don't want to be alone forever, for now yes. I have to move past this grieving phase, focus on get stable, move the girls through this transition, and into me again. I just wish I could skip this part!

So much has changed. So much of what I thought was true, was indeed a lie. I lived a beautiful, beautiful lie for seven years. Dismissing my gut feelings that this girl wasn't just "too friendly", there was really something more to it! Believing him when he told me all of his beautiful, beautiful lies. But I was again shown by the universe that the ugliest truth is better than the most beautiful lie. At least this is real. Something I can grab on to and and deal with.

A very compassionate and amazing person emailed this to me today: "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight" -Proverbs 3:5 and 6  She emailed this to me after I spent an hour in the car, driving to my moms, praying for strength and understanding. I HEAR you God...

We all have our catastrophies, our tragedies. For some it's finances, love, jobs, friendships, parents, children. My tragedy is loving someone who didn't love me back the way he should have. My tragedy was one of the things I loved the most: my husband. I can think of worse things in life than being married to him, but I am going to feel badly for myself anyway.

I thought he was my bestfriend, but he was betraying me. I thought he was a good father and provider but now even that is gone. Why bring me a mocha from starbucks every Sunday morning, to show me what a GREAT wife I am, when you are feeding the same line to someone else? It takes a special person to be capable of that kind of deception and I hope I NEVER fall into those same traps again.

I am reminded of a philosphy class I took way back in 2002. The topic was Plato's Allegory of a Cave. Copies versus originals. Light versus dark. I think this fits my situation perfectly; I was living with and loving and building a family with a distorted copy, it's shadow cast by the original, through the fire light, on to the cave wall. Now, I'm looking directly at the original and realizing this was NOT the copy. In fact, it is much worse than the copy. My light will continue to shine through, but his will not, because there is no light.

Helen Rowland wrote:   " When two people decide to get a divorce, it isn't a sign that they "don't understand" one another, but a sign that they have, at last, begun to." That's the copy I see, that's the original I finally saw... that's how I let go.

So, I've identified the problem. I am taking steps to correct my life path with God's help. I try not to think about or dwell on what he did to me. I try not to think about the scenario that played out over and over again behind my back. In fact, I promised myself I wouldn't look her up on facebook anymore either; I blocked her and the rest of them.

I don't listen to sad songs. I listen to songs like "Too Late to Apologize" and "To the Left". I am ready to move on, my heart just needs to let go and I know it will and can. Before, I felt as though I loved him more everyday, and I can say now, with certainty, that I love him less everyday. I haven't spoken to him since Saturday and I don't WANT to speak to him anymore. I've never felt that way before about him. I can feel myself on the road to healing, I just hope it doesn't take too long.

I am so grateful for my support system and so grateful for being able to move on while I am still young and able to do so. I am so grateful for my parents and their help, both emotionally and financially. I try not to think about the future and if I will ever meet anyone who is a good fit for me and the girls. I try not to think about money; whether or not I will ever be in the same place financially again. I try not to think about how he betrayed me and the family. Or, how one so willingly betrays the three people who love him most: me, faith and gracie. I've been thinking that about one person for over a month, so now there are two and three confirmed... so what? The betrayal didn't change, the number did!

I am training myself to think about how to make a positive future. I am training myself to stop talking about him. I am surprised that I do not have to train myself not to miss him, because I don't! I am surprised that I do not have to train myself not to love him, I don't think I do!

Maybe I am getting that strength and understanding I've been praying for after all.

Buh bye November

It's been a month! Quite a month I should say. Birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas shopping, working, kids, family... wow!

Some things of note for me. I learned this month not to ask questions you cannot stand the answers to. I have also learned that no matter how much you do the right things, the wrong things can effect you in ways you cannot imagine.

I have also learned that while you can be the master of your own destiny, you may not be heading toward the destination you had in mind. You have to be willing to change course, because you can't always see what's ahead. Navigation takes courage, skill and love of self. No one can give those things to you and no one can take them from you.

I happen to beileve that God has put us here for a reason, and while he is always there listening, and always there to give positive feedback, he has put the world in motion to see what we will do with it. I do not believe in manifest destiny, although I used to, and I don't see that view changing.

All of that to say, people will fuck you. They will. No matter how much you love them, support them, make them your life and your priorities, people will fuck you. And that, my friends, requires you to change route, and navigate the waters in a different way.

You just have to try to do it with as much dignity as possible.

All too often: "One deceipt, needs many others and so the entire house is built on the air and must soon come down".

Who can guard against deceipt? Who can protect themselves from lies? Who can forecast the future and look at someone and say... you my friend, will FUCK me! No one can... no one can say what the future will bring. So even if you're doing all the right things, sometimes course correction is forced. And it is what it is....


I apologize for the word 'fuck' being used in this post.