So, he moved out November 3rd and the divorce papers were filed shortly thereafter. I kind of put them on the back burner hoping counseling would help. I held on for a long time, dismissing my gut instincts, smoothing things over, making excuses and, basically, trying to make something fit that didn't fit! On Saturday, everything came to a decision point: Accept the life you've been living, full of pain, anger, rage, distrust, hurt, sorrow, depression, uncertainty and grief, or reach for better. I pick better. Better for me, my girls and life.
I'm not going to lie, I am SCARED. I don't want to be alone forever, for now yes. I have to move past this grieving phase, focus on get stable, move the girls through this transition, and into me again. I just wish I could skip this part!
So much has changed. So much of what I thought was true, was indeed a lie. I lived a beautiful, beautiful lie for seven years. Dismissing my gut feelings that this girl wasn't just "too friendly", there was really something more to it! Believing him when he told me all of his beautiful, beautiful lies. But I was again shown by the universe that the ugliest truth is better than the most beautiful lie. At least this is real. Something I can grab on to and and deal with.
A very compassionate and amazing person emailed this to me today: "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight" -Proverbs 3:5 and 6 She emailed this to me after I spent an hour in the car, driving to my moms, praying for strength and understanding. I HEAR you God...
We all have our catastrophies, our tragedies. For some it's finances, love, jobs, friendships, parents, children. My tragedy is loving someone who didn't love me back the way he should have. My tragedy was one of the things I loved the most: my husband. I can think of worse things in life than being married to him, but I am going to feel badly for myself anyway.
I thought he was my bestfriend, but he was betraying me. I thought he was a good father and provider but now even that is gone. Why bring me a mocha from starbucks every Sunday morning, to show me what a GREAT wife I am, when you are feeding the same line to someone else? It takes a special person to be capable of that kind of deception and I hope I NEVER fall into those same traps again.
I am reminded of a philosphy class I took way back in 2002. The topic was Plato's Allegory of a Cave. Copies versus originals. Light versus dark. I think this fits my situation perfectly; I was living with and loving and building a family with a distorted copy, it's shadow cast by the original, through the fire light, on to the cave wall. Now, I'm looking directly at the original and realizing this was NOT the copy. In fact, it is much worse than the copy. My light will continue to shine through, but his will not, because there is no light.
Helen Rowland wrote: " When two people decide to get a divorce, it isn't a sign that they "don't understand" one another, but a sign that they have, at last, begun to." That's the copy I see, that's the original I finally saw... that's how I let go.
So, I've identified the problem. I am taking steps to correct my life path with God's help. I try not to think about or dwell on what he did to me. I try not to think about the scenario that played out over and over again behind my back. In fact, I promised myself I wouldn't look her up on facebook anymore either; I blocked her and the rest of them.
I don't listen to sad songs. I listen to songs like "Too Late to Apologize" and "To the Left". I am ready to move on, my heart just needs to let go and I know it will and can. Before, I felt as though I loved him more everyday, and I can say now, with certainty, that I love him less everyday. I haven't spoken to him since Saturday and I don't WANT to speak to him anymore. I've never felt that way before about him. I can feel myself on the road to healing, I just hope it doesn't take too long.
I am so grateful for my support system and so grateful for being able to move on while I am still young and able to do so. I am so grateful for my parents and their help, both emotionally and financially. I try not to think about the future and if I will ever meet anyone who is a good fit for me and the girls. I try not to think about money; whether or not I will ever be in the same place financially again. I try not to think about how he betrayed me and the family. Or, how one so willingly betrays the three people who love him most: me, faith and gracie. I've been thinking that about one person for over a month, so now there are two and three confirmed... so what? The betrayal didn't change, the number did!
I am training myself to think about how to make a positive future. I am training myself to stop talking about him. I am surprised that I do not have to train myself not to miss him, because I don't! I am surprised that I do not have to train myself not to love him, I don't think I do!
Maybe I am getting that strength and understanding I've been praying for after all.
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